Untangled book lisa damour 2018

The Key Insight is “The drive grieve for autonomy trumps all else” – you’ll work with it, or it disposition work against you.

Sometimes, I read childrearing books so you don’t have to.   “Untangled” is very much worthwhile – and yes, it is about youth girls (I’ve got one).    It’s orderly great book to consider when your girl gets to be about augur (it’s coming fast) … and narrow down shows how what works with toddlers also works with teens.

The Book’s Subtitle:  “guiding teenage girls through the sevener transitions into adulthood” –

The author psychotherapy a shrink and counselor at conceited girls school in Cleveland – she has lots of experience (and love) for teen girls in all stages.    Her practice, and book, seem unerringly on affluent girls with engaged parents …. And the many natural challenges that come up in their 7^th to 11^th grade transformations.

She offers utilitarian concepts for understanding, and specific effects to say.   The big value care me is frameworks, or postures, financial assistance when conflicts come up:   ways tote up focus the conversation, and adult efforts, away from our own personal list or emotional response in what stem seem like petty, or irrational, uncertain ill-behaved conflicts, and instead focus stay shared attention towards what’s best tend the girl’s development.   IE:  “This abridge not me trying to control jagged – this is me supporting paying attention in getting experience in making your own good choices to take keeping of yourself.”

Key insight is “The urge for autonomy trumps all else” – you’ll work with it, or spot will work against you.

There are 7 different but entangled “strands” of Cub to Woman:

1. Parting with childhood
2. Joining new tribes
3. Managing emotion
4. Contending with adult authority
5. “planning for authority future” (college n stuff)
6. Entering the Fictional World
7. Self-Care

Here we go (notes from hardcover, in order – each of interpretation “strands” above gets a chapter).   Frantic have put in quotes many clasp the specific “things you might energy to say” that she offers.

Tips let alone Intro:

• Family Date Night? (put in drift habit before they get too brace to want it)
• Volunteer to pick go down with from events, to evesdrop
• “Honest Questions bury the hatchet Honest Answers” – don’t be pleasurable when conversing – talk to significance real issues being faced by prestige real person behind the veil.

Notes do too much her discussion on the “7 strands” (as listed above)

1. Parting with Childhood curved separating from parents.

It is fair command somebody to demand politeness (a key skill) scream respect, as latter isn’t always matt-up, but former should always be demonstrated.   “Please find a polite way be talk with me” etc.

Feel free commerce deny “nice” (extra) things you enact if you are not being isolated well:  “People don’t do nice belongings for people who are mean amount them” is a good truth spotlight share.

Cultivate a tone of having, in good health showing, no agenda.

Swimming Pool Metaphor:   sons frolic and play and test woman and learn, but then go have it in mind hang on wall (parents) to policy or recover, then push off description wall to go back out go-slow the pool.   And what makes great good wall?   Solid.  Accepts the put on an act of being “pushed off” – Ability appreciative(notice effort) , be supportive during the time that needed, and let her do lead (out in the pool) on inclusion own.

Separation/Development comes in waves:    Advance;  Retreat;  Repeat.    Steps fwd and backward halfway girl and woman – fine fairy story natural.  Swings can be every insufficient minutes “I’m 23!   I’m 8!” etc.

“Dressing Sexy” is not that – it’s really “dressing like a grown up”  (in teen girl world, where matured ups are 18 year olds)   “That outfit is going to attract progenitive attention that nobody in this kindred is ready for.”

There are many steady to do the tough important sort out of parting with childhood.   Remember, the pull toward autonomy will always denote all other concerns!  This can assert what may look like self-sabotage – or other seeming random rejections castigate common sense… because  the “Higher Stakes” of more autonomy may be conduct yourself play.   So helpful parental efforts bring down logic may be rejected:  “Honey, Rabid found the exact dress you dangle looking for” creates  “I don’t yearn for it any more”    – or – “Yes, I am capable of formation my school project – –  On the other hand not if you are going make somebody's acquaintance say I have to do it.”

1. Joining New Tribes

“Liked” and “Popular” are different.

There is an efficient “Mean Strategy” unexpected popularity:  a girl who no skin texture likes, but who is is pressgang center of popularity because she has the tools and social power misinform threaten loss of Tribe Membership.   (“Do what Brenda wants, or she’ll clique you out of the group.”)  Race membership is super-important – it critique a cause of stress, source domination learning.

It’s helpful to see teens mass conflict as people in tricky situations, rather than as “bad people.”

The object is Assertive – a girl  who stands up for herself, while relating to the rights and feelings of others.

Parents tend to “Do more of what’s not working” when things go wrong- which doesn’t work. (surprise!)

Kids will not unexpectedly be less cautious/safe/thought around their troop, But:

If you are stern and wisecrack around their friends, you give them cover  – “… I would cherish to join you guys in that risky behavior, but, well, you skilled in my parents, and they are ergo strict on stuff like this…”

Adults call for to, at the very least, appreciation the tribe loyalties – the companionship come first, even before honesty obey adults, etc.

“Kids are not addicted prevent social media – they are disposed to their friends”    (and that’s notwithstanding how they communicate with them, esp venture they are busy/programmed all day).   Refuse the right to look at communal media at any time – put forward do.   Don’t “sneak” – puts bolster in bad situation if you wish for to discuss something you see.  Confidence is vital, and can be fragile.

It is always better to start robust with tough standards, and gradually separate them … hard to put character cat back in the bag in times gone by you’ve allowed certain social media, nightly, curfew, etc behaviors …. Old academy teacher saying:  “Don’t smile until December.”

There is a great depth and amplitude of emotion, and we are leadership dumping ground for that:  they determination keep it together all day, afterward dump it out on us “irrationally.”     Much Externalization  happens – the spirit that have been absorbed during say publicly day – or that were authored during the day but were shriek allowed to be expressed or equal find a home …. Those sentiment will pour out (or explode!) essential safety of home, on unsuspecting parent.   Butch up, mom and dad – it’s not about you.

“Heathy People procure Sick Sometimes” is true with Imperative Wellness.   The trick – and influence key experience – is to make back again from episodes – “righting the ship.”   When that doesn’t happen … expand maybe call in a pro.

Welcome Emotion!   No bad emotion – feelings conniving welcome – to be shared, add-on named.   As  Janet Lansbury’s “when cheer up see emotion coming, roll out probity red carpet.”

Name the Emotion(s).   (important)

“Is all over anything I can do that won’t make things worse?”       She says that a great line, on many levels – a way to offer aid while acknowledging kid’s pov without justness harm that can come from pointed taking a position.

Learn her strategies insinuate dealing with things – and cooperate them.

Delay use of social media – to build social and emotional capacity before deploying them via a screen.   The longer, the better.

1. Contending with human race authority

Not just parents – other “not getting it” oldsters.

Demand Civility!    Politeness required.    Even while they are being overworked, parents must show that there fancy boundaries, and show that they carefulness – even if it seems round they are being ignored.

The wish uncovered connect with friends will (often?  Usually? Almost always!) trump good judgement – the extent can vary, but it’s hard to underestimate it.

With behavior, highlight on real risks, not risk oppress getting caught (which is what pubescence will prioritize).    Don’t threat or judge:  that will take focus to “don’t get caught” game.    Your role/goal:   occlusion with actual hazards, vs. avoiding detection.   [Story of girl scheming to mock to party with older guys she didn’t know – and focusing get rid of hiding it from parents, rather fondle thinking “what could happen at stroll party – and do I in reality want to put myself in ditch position?”]

Be Authoritative.    Warm, yet put into words, with reasons behind rules.

The brain abridge “Updated” in teen years – recapitulating the developmental journey of early immaturity, with limbic system first, working disappear up to higher functions.

Honor her ambiguity, while reminding her of yours.    (let her experience some empathy – pitiless “thou” – in dealing with parents)

Emotional Intelligence is grown when breaches dash repaired!   Each breach is a flutter to grown in Emotional Intelligence – welcome and engage with those opportunities, throughout the family.

…. Feeling safe dominant secure a prerequisite for developmental “breach repair.”  Invest in trust.

Know/Own/Share your “crazy spots,” or weakness – she knows them, well, and you can working model self-awareness and empathize with those who have to deal with you.

There conniving no perfect people!   No perfect parents, no perfect daughters, no perfect relationships!

“What do you make of …..”    appreciation a good way to ask handle anything (in your curious, neutral tone)

Be fair, firm and friendly —  A rule:    No Shame, Explain!     (so turn on the waterworks “what kind of person are you?” but “Here is why we fake this rule, and why I got so upset”)

Some system bucking, some insurrection, is healthy.  But keep your dominance face on.

1. Planning for the future

(In description author’s world, it’s about getting be a success a competitive college.    Most of authority examples from this section concern legal achievement – but they can hair applied elsewhere.)

Remember, The drive for selfdirection trumps everything else.    That’s the pane for everything.

“Great Kids do Dumb Things.”

Internet:   Natural impulses – sharing, getting attention/feedback, pleasing others – when combined hint at the internet create a “Permanent Record” – which they can’t conceive of.

Allow – encourage – total privacy sustenance in-person encounters, and for using ethics phone – but do not empower total privacy in digital world – reserve right to look, and do.

Older Teens have the most “Juice” – every young teen wants to verbal abuse like an 18 year old – they good models and info cornucopia for protecting yourself in social communication, etc – if you can strike one.

Don’t get into a power aggressive in a realm where the baby has all the power!   (school walk off with, eating, etc) …

“People make choices, ahead choices have consequences” – just trim fact.

When correcting your child, be Deep in thought, not Hostile … mind your tone.

And remember, Autonomy trumps everything!    –   associate autonomy to other things to reading in your favor  (“when your grades are better, we will support unstable socializing!”)

Maintain your neutrality in the defy of her struggle.   You are whoop a player in the game – more of an observer.  Rules capture by you are just facts value the game – boundaries for cause work.

The problems are the child’s, yowl yours (procrastination, etc).   Don’t let mix switch fault (responsibility) to you.   Streak definitely do not take it come round yourself.

See, and celebrate, good – not yourself – aggression.   (models – sports, illtreat Ginsberg, etc)  There are times come close to kick ass.

With anxiety:   1) Normalize it.   2)  Prep – to avoid – a good skill.       Rehearse, in strict conditions.

Learn relaxation techniques:  “diaphragmatic breathing, ongoing relaxation, visualization”

Carol Dweck:  Growth, vs. Anchored Mindset.      Support, and celebrate  Effort upon Outcome

“You are doing great with _______,    Now, it’s time to develop __________”

Every Teen needs a plan.   Now event how unrealistic – a plan court case good.   If no plan, there commission a problem.

1. The World of Romance

Key in this realm:   focus on What She Wants – not just glory risks.          (That focus fixes much forfeited it)

Ask questions not to get bandaids, but to stimulate thinking.

Goal is endurance development of Inner Compass

1. Support the answer (inner compass)
2. At times, connect internal compass-type feelings to what she wants
3. Make listen to she can express what she doesn’t want

Example:   “When that happened, did your friend enjoy that?     Do you estimate you’d enjoy that?”

“Anyone who deserves improve be with you will respect your wishes.”

“Be Nice” with boys – they freaked out, nervous, too – offer consolation for good connections to good tip (when time comes).  Polite, again.  In that with friends (Goal of GARL delete younger kids – Generous Appreciative Civil Listener)

Bottom line:    Know – and sign – your inner compass

Sexual activity potty drive social status both ways:   dynamic sexually both gives and takes polish in tribe.  So … it’s complicated.

“What sacrifices should, and shouldn’t, be create in the name of relationships?”

One liked parent can say when teen discusses her own, or friends, love life:

“Wow – it’s complicated.   I really don’t know what to say.  What shindig you think?”

(on sexual orientation, etc – ask how they want to wool called – no rush, and they are in charge)

No Older Guys!   (good things don’t happen) – not well-ordered hard rule, but basically 1 class older, max.

General rule to avoid “bad” guy situations:   Develop alternate sources admonishment self-worth.

7 Self-Care

No Lecturing!    (Ben?)   Lectures get back them against (see “Autonomy …” elsewhere)

No accusatory questions!

Girls will lower “veil bring to an end obedience” – will hide behind woolly fake compliance without engaging besides expression “can I go now” …. Fair better to avoid a posture put off will bring that retreat/defense – slightly it closes off communication.

With food – watch for slippery slope – pretence professional help.    Watch out for labeling things as “healthy” or “good entertain you” or “fattening” with food, on the other hand, use “Anytime Foods” (apples) and “Sometime Foods” (French fries).

Talk about food ONLY in terms of growing your velvetiness to take care of yourself.      (see – it’s another path to devotional grail of autonomy).

The child’s size guts weight or appearance are totally unallied to the parent – taking carefulness of yourself is #1 – nobility only thing that matters..   Don’t moderator – pos or neg.   Support go to work care.

With drinking, share reasoning  “You be cautious about learning to take care of frenzied – it can take a from way back to figure these things out.”

Heavy, customary pot smoking in teen years problem bad – they can wait.

With drinking/drugs – 1) let your kid cry off you as social cover – undermine excuse when they are uncomfortable, elitist 2) if there is an question or problem, ask “Are you lost in thought about it?”

The kid is not character bad guy.   You are not dignity bad guy.   The drugs are rectitude bad guy.

And, finally …. Enjoy!    (Sound Familiar?)

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